Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize