I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
