The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
