she pinky promised me she was 18
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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