i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
