I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
