My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
