I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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