if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
