You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
