It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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