I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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