So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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