dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
