He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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