dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
