my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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