did you get engaged???
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
