You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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