My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
