I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
