Umm I'm too high to move.
i think i have two assholes
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
