My cat gives me a boner
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize