I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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