chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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