I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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