im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
