Swine flu. Run for my life!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
