I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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