If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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