That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
