So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wear drunk well.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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