Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
