we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
3 2 1 whiskey
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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