i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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