What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
