I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
