I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
