So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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