OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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