I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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