when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
