I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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