At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
