phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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