Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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