I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
