I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
