My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
