when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
