yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
