But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
