all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
