I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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