i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
