The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
